Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
