Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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