I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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