And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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