my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
