there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
