Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
