I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize