Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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