I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
