I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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