thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
