If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
