proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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