dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
