Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
