Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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