I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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