Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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