Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
