1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
