i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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