Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize