When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
