I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
