I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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