Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
