The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize