He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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