I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
