I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize