she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
