i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
