Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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