just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
