I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
