Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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