I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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