i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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