He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
