dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
