We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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