is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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