Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
