did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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