I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Girls should come with a carfax report
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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