Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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