she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
