My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
