I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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