Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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