I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
