I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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