You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
