how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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