he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize