Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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