Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize