I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
