I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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