When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
