When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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